It is normal to feel states of lack, fear and humiliation when relating to ourselves. When I was a young 21 year old girl I ran away from home because I had nobody to stay with. I also felt that I didn’t fit in anywhere. Almost everyday I was sent to a particular group meeting or activities and the people I was with expected me to do what they expected.
I remember one night I had such a strong feeling to leave home and go to London because my best friend of many years was in London. When I first left home and made the last conscious decision to try to be my own person, my family and closest friends did so with open arms. I couldn’t come to terms with this feeling at the time. Now I can understand what it meant. Being faced with what I consider to be the use of force to make me obey their rules is one of the first signs I suppose I was construed to self-deception. It is normal to feel that you are different to what other people say or do. We ALL do or exhibit actions and behaviours that we consider counter to what our family and friends believe acceptable.
These feelings are normal and natural
Yet what I came to understand later on after getting education through the teachings of alcohol coun persisted in refusing to know or to understand what I had been doing wrong. When I searched deep down inside my conflicting feelings of low self-esteem combined with a length of time just observing my current situation I found out more about me. When I began actively working with a rehab programme I began to understand myself better on a deep level. So what was it about my life at the time that had led me to be so unsure of myself and led me to believe my family had it all wrong? It had to be my perception; they were dealing with their own issues.
In order for me to feel confident enough to manage my own “own life” (even though I was running off with someone else) I had to find out who I really was. So I began to look back through the years at times through my childhood, my first relationships, the times I had relationship challenges and the more open experiences.
I listened to these experiences and they placed a harsh light on their differing perspectives of me. I developed a new awareness of who I was and what I wanted to do in my life. People to this day still have a natural attraction to me and I know that I am successful and truly successful because of what has happened in my early days.
My experiences gave me clarity in my thoughts and created a clearer way of seeing myself.
The experiences I just went through with my family were the first steps to developing those ideas that I would be OK. My actions and behaviours came about because of those things that they said no to. And it was experienced over such a long time that my initial perception of me was tainted by the negative responses of people any way around me.
I wanted security and safety. I wanted to remain loving. I wanted people to tell me what they think I should be doing or be thinking. When I became confident enough to make my own decisions, at a young age I began to focus on myself in a wholesome, loving and caring way.
Looking at my now experiences through the eyes of now, I can see that none of my feelings (sadness and guilt, love and anger, happiness and stress) came about because I felt loved but because I was feeling those things and the people with whom I had those feelings for did not. I have good reasons to believe that my experience holds the all important elements for someone who is seeking to get better and may be sad. A long time can actually change your perception of yourself and yourself doesn’t feel as compromised as it seemed at the time.
Not only has the early experiences with my family had those elements with which I can cope, they have helped me develop a sense of self-esteem, a sense of who I am. To set boundaries and to begin to act as my own person has been a dramatic change for me.
