For over 30 years, I had been a recovering alcoholic and addict–and began my journey into recovery officially when I submitted the Inner Bonding program of The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, along with a 12 Step recover, “The Big Book,” to my Higher Power.
I’d taken other approaches that were outside the context of spiritual principles. Meditation, reading, and self-study became my major supports, so my recovery path was unique. Not only did I attend the meetings frequently, giving and taking the Twelve Steps, I studied the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Act on My Own Certainty, and read and studied the Big Book.
In this process, my path came to me in unusual ways. In fact, all came about in unexpected ways…
One day, I was reading one of the books of the Big Book in my study. It talked about a spiritual law that says, “You can’t possibly be hurt without your own intent playing a role.” My thoughts had been, “God can’t manage what I do… He surely does not manage what they are doing!” But this book spoke to me… in a very real way, that there is no way to recover from defects of character that do not originate in ourselves. I didn’t prove that to myself, but I realized that I could be no more certain of my own state of affairs, because God at any time can and will take me apart, if I don’t keep connection with Him.
I attended a meeting that ran well into the evening. I knew I was getting very tired, but I needed to stay awake with my Big Book and the lessons of the Big Book. I felt I was a little distant from the material because it was so thick and heavy. But I was beginning to feel a little sleepy. I heard the prescription going in for the Big Book, so I turned to him and fell asleep.
In the morning, I was very hungry, but I was starving for something else. I passed the Bible and the Big Book. Then I studied and read the Twelve Steps and some conceptual content from the Big Book, and of course I followed each of the steps. While I do not suggest taking any of the steps with the approach, I did it anyway. I looked back at it this morning and I looked at how I might be wrecking myself… I am certain that I left myself wide open for it, and if I were to try, I would fail, so it’s not really possible, other than to try it and see. I felt guilty because I know that there is an opportunity for me right now with the life lessons to process. But I’ve come so far that it is without judgment. It is important to listen to the words of the Big Book, and see if you want to incorporate the suggestions. If so, let them be a part of you. If not, come back to the book and look at whether you want to let them guide you through your recovery process.
I sat down at my computer in my study at home yesterday and just looked… with eyes closed. I had no idea thatinstead of sleepreadingfor 11 hours, I was going to write words of advice from my translation of the Big Book that I had been reading during the previous day.
What I’m sensing is that God is giving me an opportunity to make a real connection with Him. Right now, in my recovery process, I cannot do that in the same way that I used to do it in the beginning of my recovery. I’m unsure of the right way to do it… but He is telling me, “Come hang out with me and talk with me, and learn more of my ways.”
Another way to say this is: “Do not depend on your own understanding.”
I wouldn’t believe it if I were not seeing such reasoning within this book.
So, Mr. Client, there is no way for you to feel you are completely cured! That is how God knows you will come back to your former level of addiction and compulsion. You will always have a desire for cigarettes, your own spiritual freedom, or whatever. But you will come back to me, and others, again and again, over and over again, because I promise you will not abandon you from your path to eventual inner peace and freedom. You are eternal. You will never really die.
